I cannot write

because I don’t know what to say!

I cannot write

because no one wants to hear what I think,

because its stupid

and if its not stupid, no one will understand

and if they do

they still might laugh at me!

 

I will not write

because only I can know what’s inside

the dark hurt and sadness

that kicks me awake

in the middle of lonely nights!

This is my life

and my pain matters only to me!

 

I will not write

because I have learned

if you don’t open

then you can’t hurt any more,

and though you can’t hurt any less

it is not my concern!

Silence is my refuge

my only saving graceful salvation!

 

No one knows

and no one cares!

 

This is my life

it isn’t yours.

This is my life and I can handle it!

This is my life and its ending

with each passing minute!

 

I am small and I don’t deserve to be happy!

The things that happen to me are my fault

and that can’t change!

 

I am ugly!

I am a monster!

 

I will act out

abuse and mutilate, myself and others

with all the pain, drugs and sex

I have ever known.

I will not show, give or receive

the kindness or love

I have never known!

 

Fuck You

because you don’t know!

Fuck You

because you can’t know,

because you weren’t touched, beaten or raped

left bleeding in the corner until you passed out!

You weren’t abandoned,

told you were no good,

wished they never had!

 

I will not write

because you are not privy to my pain!

I will not describe my fury,

will not say does anybody hear me

does anybody understand

am I alone

because I am afraid?

 

I will not connect

because then

you will have the opportunity to fuck me!

You will have the opportunity to make me cry,

but I will not cry!

I will hurt,

but I will not hurt!

I will add it to my fury

understanding that this is all I have

to keep me warm!

 

Why did they do this to me,

when I didn’t want a lot

just a hug,

just love,

not a lot just a little?

 

So, I will not give of myself.

I will sit, with arms folded.

I will sit in my silence.

I will not open up.

I will not write,

even though, I just did.

 

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