MY FAD

I was able to get a seat today. I feel lucky. It’s been harder since I fixed the internet.

There is a man with a lump on his forehead the size of a golf ball sitting across from me. His leg is twitching and he is staring into space.

There is a girl in a summer dress with no bra. When I walk by I can see the nipples of her breasts. I stare because I’m selfish and horny, and if it’s there, I’m just going to look.

When I was nineteen working at Toys R Us a woman came through my register in a summer dress. She wrote a check to pay for her merchandise. When she filled out the check the front of her dress dropped open. I was the only one privy to the view which ran all the way down to her ankles. She was wearing yellow panties and no bra. I was glad for the register and that my lower half was hidden for the next thirty minutes. It was good masturbation fodder for years.

The golf ball man is upset at his friend, a fellow gamer. He called him on his cell phone and watched him through the glass as they spoke. Then he walked outside to the patio. He set his drink down and put his hands on his hips to emphasize that he was upset.

This is a popular Starbucks, but when I first came here the internet sucked. Another regular said that he didn’t understand why it was so bad and told me someone called corporate a while ago. It worked for a while, but it didn’t last. That was it.

So I started writing emails, I’m pretty good at that. After two weeks of back and forth I returned one day to see the wonderful sign of google Starbucks on my computer. Internet was reliable and fast and now there are people congregated to kingdom come.

Careful what you wish for.

I’m sure revenue has gone up except for the douche bags that take up a table and don’t buy anything, bastards. I really don’t need the internet only a plug. I shouldn’t have fixed it.

Summer dress has a small Yorkshire Terrier. A tiny little-shit dog breed that I have never really liked. They keep breeding these things smaller and smaller so people can stick them in their purses, get that service certificate and bring them to everyfuckingwhere. Talk about a bullshit lack of integrity. Everybody wants what they want and I have found that if enough rich white folks want it then it will then become law.

A douche bag just sat down next to me. Here is the current definition: He sat down with his eye pad and a newspaper. His girlfriend brought a sandwich from outside which they proceeded to eat. It was a little messy so he went and got a STACK of napkins. No shit an inch thick stack of napkins. Haven’t purchased shit! Yeah, I shouldn’t have fixed the internet.

Summer dress moved outside with her doggie when golf ball head left with his friend.

I need a refill.

I broke my rule today. I got a cookie. I gave up flour and sugar so the cookie definitely falls into both categories. I am officially rededicating myself to the flour and sugar end.

Last week I went into a funk. I have dedicated myself to losing weight this year and it has been extremely hard for reasons I never anticipated. You see I have a theory.

This is based on a modicum of fact, one that I have never heard doctors speak of. I believe that I have discovered why it is so hard for people to lose weight. Fat is energy stored and produced by the body. When that happens, whatever emotional state the person is in when it happens is stored in chemicals in the body, which means the emotions are stored in the fat.

Now I know you are not supposed to lose weight fast and I have a few techniques that will get rid of fat rapidly. Here is the problem with my technique. If you are a healthy happy positive person who slowly gained weight over time it will be easy for you to lose the weight again. If you are an unhealthy and unhappy person that worked at it with dedication and slowly and simply took it off through hard work, it is great and both of you will not know what I mean.

Fad diets take weight off rapidly and most work to about thirty pounds if you follow them, but after the thirty pounds it suddenly gets harder. They lose motivation and get depressed and it eventually stops. You gain it back plus more. The yoyo effect. Most of us fatty’s know it well and have experienced it time and time again.

In my early thirties I sat down and calculated how much money I spent trying to lose weight. It was somewhere in the ball bark of twenty thousand dollars in the last ten years. Not always fads, but not always practical. This year things have been very different and I still got the same results. I am not going to speak about what I did. However the results were so very dramatic that I was seeing results in the first few days. The last one was the most dramatic.

As with every diet the first thing that starts getting rung out of the body is water. After that, fat begins to burn. In this last one I had results so dramatic that outlines and little bits of definition were showing up in my stomach in the second week. It was exciting! Then the second week something started happening. I felt a sadness come over me that was profound and deep. I was aware of being alone. I hated everyone and everything about my life. I had flashes of suicidal thoughts coming to me and memories. Wow!!! Such profound memories that went back to childhood and growing up, most of them negative and shitty. That’s when things began to change. I had cravings. Cravings that I know now were a reflection of my past.

This was not the first time something like this occurred. I have had this happen every time I have had a significant weight loss. Visions of Sesame Street character bits, songs and television shows and just a horrible walk of amnesia through my childhood traumas. Smells would take me right back to events and situations instantly. This time was different very different.

The sadness started it. Then a slow level of unmotivation and self-hate for the world mixed with thoughts of suicide. I went to the supermarket and I found myself buying things that I do not buy. And I was able to justify it. Last week I bought and consumed two half gallons of ice cream and three packages of cookies, two Oreo and one Chips Ahoy. There was some fast food, but not much. I must say I am not a sweets eater and I never buy cookies. Sometimes I will buy ice cream, but there were moments when I was eating and asking myself why am I eating this, because I didn’t want it and I wasn’t hungry at all. It was in the middle of this happening almost near the end of the week when I recognized it and saw that I was acting like an addict or a junkie on a literal binge, but I was blind, and not myself. Not at all. So as this was happening I started asking questions.

I continued my behavior, but I was now observing and checking in with my emotional state. What am I thinking right now? What am I feeling? I saw things clearly and saw the triggers. All of which were well known to me. So why was it effecting me like this now? It occurred to me after a week and a half with my body bloated and me skipping the gym all week. The long term storage areas had broken down and had not come back. I was still amazed at my body though my stomach had grown.

Then it hit me. The areas on my legs which had been solid carried a lot of compressed old fat that had suddenly been broken down and burned as energy. The process had happened so fast that all of that fat had saturated my body to what I can call the nth degree. All of that old fucking storage fat had been acquired and with it all of the chemicals that came with it. It had been built and stored in sadness and trauma and now I had relived that vicious cycle that I have known about for years. That’s why fad diets don’t work and the best diets work with a counselor that can help you when shit breaks down as it inevitably will.

When it was past I was back, but now with the knowledge of what to expect. This is like fighting a monster, unseen and only with myself to blame for the place where I find myself. Knowledge is a funny thing because after you gain it, are then faced with the choice to do something about it. If you choose not to, its fine but then you only have yourself to blame for what happens next.

Knowledge is the Emerald City. Once you attain it, if you choose to go back to Kansas, you no longer have the right to complain about Kansas.

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