I cannot write because I don’t know what to say

I cannot write because no one wants to hear what I think

because its stupid

and if it’s not stupid no one will understand

and if they do, they still might laugh at me.

 

I will not write because only I can know what’s inside

the dark hurt and sadness

that kicks me awake in the middle of lonely nights.

this is my life and my pain matters only to me.

 

I will not write because I have learned

if you don’t open then you can’t hurt any more

and though you can’t hurt any less

it is not my concern

silence is my refuge

my only saving graceful salvation

 

no one knows

and no one cares

 

this is my life it isn’t yours

this is my life and I can handle it

this is my life and its ending

with each passing minute

 

I am small and I don’t deserve to be happy

the things that happen to me are my fault

and that can’t change

 

I am ugly

I am a monster

 

I will act out abuse and mutilate myself and others

with all the pain, drugs and sex I have ever known

I will not show, give or receive

the kindness or love I have never known

 

Fuck you, because you don’t know

Fuck you, because you can’t know

because you weren’t touched, beaten or raped

left bleeding in the corner until you passed out

you weren’t abandoned

told you were no good

wished they never had.

 

I will not write because you are not privy to my pain

I will not describe my fury

will not say does anybody hear me

does anybody understand

am I alone, because I am afraid

 

I will not connect because then

you will have the opportunity to fuck me

you will have the opportunity to make me cry

but I will not cry

I will hurt, but I will not hurt

I will add it to my fury

understanding

that this is all I have to keep me warm

 

why did they do this to me

when I didn’t want a lot

just a hug

just love,

not a lot just a little

 

So, I will not give of myself

I will sit with arms folded

I will sit in my silence

I will not open up

I will not write

even though, I just did.

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