I have been dumping this shit down the throat of my life. Now, I’m in the middle of a full tilt remodel and I don’t know what my house is going to look like when it’s finished.

I have decided to tear down the walls of this place all the while wondering what it is will I find when I reach the foundation?

Why? I have been asked by more than a few and a simple equation for the world of right now is… Right now doesn’t work! It is functioning as it is, that is to say I am surviving and in the end I will still be alive, but I will not be living…

And there it is! At this moment I am not alive and I want to be alive. Though it also occurs to me that, I am not dead. I just realized that right now.

Does that make any sense? It is strange to say that realization has struck me that I am both not alive and not dead which then begs the question…. What am I then?

What is someone who is both not alive and not dead?

What does it mean to be this… a robot is both not alive and not dead and I am certainly not a robot. This could be said of other things as well. For a car is both not alive and not dead.

Dead intones a finality and a closer of possibility where nothing else can happen. This is to say that if a thing could have an existence and be useful it is therefore not be dead.

In this respect I love the people who root through garbage and find things that were once believed to be dead, at least by someone else’s point of view, but the artist repurposes and creates a use for something that could be outside of whatever the original intended use was. It takes something and often times some doing, but in the end the object has a new purpose, a new existence and in essence a new life. So even though it was believed to be dead it was not.

So the next question is what is alive? Alive is not living, alive is existing and being in the realm of taking up a space and that it can be utilized for some purpose. A chair for example could be considered alive. It has a function. It waits to be sat on, or be used for something. In that we can actually state alive as something that has a function. Therefore anything that is a function, has a function or performs a function could said to be something that is real and living or at the very least… not dead!

I am sitting in front of a coffee shop watching the destruction of a building, or the deconstruction of a building. Is that more positive, it sounds more positive. The machines are being driven and one with a giant claw looks to be alive.

I believe Disney utilized it in a few cartoons and made it seem like a monster or a dinosaur. I still see it as it reaches down and grabs another pile of junk. It is functioning and it has a purpose and the driver who is also functioning and has a purpose is utilizing the machine for a purpose.

Memory tells me that the building was once furniture store and now a dinosaur is trundling through the wreckage chewing on its walls, moving them here and there for some reason I am not familiar with… and there we have another catch.

There is a purpose in what they are doing, even though I don’t know what that purpose is. So for me it may seem uninteresting, but for man and machine it may be the greatest thing they have ever done.

Perhaps that man loves working with that machine, and the machine is perfectly performing the task for which it was built. Perhaps that man only truly feels alive when he is doing that work, maybe he has wanted to drive that machine since he was a kid and enjoys the deconstruction of things. Maybe that man is truly alive, I don’t know, who am I to say he is not.

So now what is alive and what is living, truly living? Does that equate to living your dream. I believe that individually we all have things that make us feel alive, not just that we are living, but truly alive.

I am doing things currently that do not fulfill me and do not make me feel alive. I am doing things that are allowing me to exist, and are allowing me to continue existing and nothing more. I am doing other things that do make me feel alive, but those are few and far between.

I am therefore in the middle of a full tilt remodel, or a body off restoration. Sounds like a midlife crisis. Maybe it could be called, a middle living juncture. No matter, I am clearing my foundation to rebuild.


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